Shrinking Me

It's Friday again! I have done well over the past couple of days and went to the gym last night. I feel so low on energy though despite taking 3 chocolate banana pills today and drinking black coffee. I just feel like going home and not to the gym but I'll feel guilty and gutted when I weigh myself on Monday and I'm still 7st 10lbs.

I have grown to love the feeling of my muscles acheing and resisting snacks..WILL OF IRON! There are lots of temptations in my way tonight. Wine being one and cake the other. Me and mum made a victoria sponge cake last night. It's not turned out very well but it's cake all the same!

Today I have had a small bowl of Special K, a 40cal superfood salad from Boots, and 1/2 a carrot soup. That's a grand total of 200 calories. And I plan to have a weight watchers ocean pie for dinner - 200 cals and maybe a cheeky glass of vino - 100 cals = 500 calories in total. So I think I can dodge the gym and not feel too guilty tonight. I'll make up for it this weekend.

Yesturday I took my mum to hospital, she was going in for surgery. She had a biopsy. There is something growing on her ovaries and we now know it is not a polyp or cyst. Which does'nt leave much else for it to be other than a cancerous tumor. Does it? I know I should'nt worry until we know for sure but I can't help but fear the worst. Results will come through in 4 - 6 weeks.

After the hospital I went to the supermarket and bought all the foods I have been fantasizing about for weeks. I got home and had another whole day of continuous binge and purge sessions. My throat is still killing me.

At least it is all out of my system now and I can get back on track with restricting. All I have had today is 1/2 a glass of fruit smoothie, 4 cups of tea made with skimmed milk and a few spoonfuls of the veg stew that I made for mum. I'm not hungry either. I just want a little glass of wine tonight when I go round to dads.

Mum had to stay in overnight at hospital so I went back at visiting time. She was really drowsy and still recovering but seemed her usual self after about half an hour. She hated being in there and was angry with the nurses for not allowing her to use her lap top to do work on the ward! She's mental bless her. I could'nt cope if she had to be in hospital for serious long term treatment. It does'nt bear thinking about. It really puts my bulimia problem into perspective. There are much more pressing issues to worry about than the contents of my stomache.

I had today off work too to pick mum up and look after her. It's good to have her home.

The plan for the rest of the week: back in work tommorrow and Friday - Hardcore gym sessions after work and minimal eating indefinitely. Might be going out on Saturday night. I feel so bad about the binges this week so now it's all out of my system I am gonna stop whingeing about it and just STOP it altogether. I mean it this time. My weight this morning was 7st 10lbs, but that's bordering on 7st11lbs so I'm going mega strict. It's time to accelerate my weight loss. Shrink on!

It took over again this weekend. Moreso than ever. Off the top of my head here is what i ate:

2 x muller corner yogurts
2 x ice creams
20 x chocolate bars
4 x croissants with butter
5 x peanut butter on toast
10 x bags of crisps
5 x chocolate muffins
1 x meat and potato pie
3 x cheese and ham toasties
2 x bowls of porridge

Last night on the way home from work my car needed petrol so I stopped at the coop supermarket to fill up and ended up filling in more ways than I planned.

I bought a massive bag of marshmallows which I ate whilst driving home, then as soon as I got through the front door I stuffed my face with 5 caramel shortcakes, 6 bramley apple pies, a muller corner yogurt, a bag of honeyed cashews and a bowl of pea soup with buttered bread. Then brought it all back up again.

It's getting serious now. It is like being possessed and I don't have control over it anymore. It just takes over me and I force myself to binge until I can hardly move or breath. Then I am sick until hardly anything comes up and my throat is hurting so much I can't bear it anymore. Even then I am never convinced it's all been emptied. So I usually down a glass of water and jump around to create a washing machine effect in my stomache, then go for a couple more rounds with the toilet bowl until just clear water come up. Disgusting I know.

My throat is still hurting today. But I was so scared I would gain weight and luckily I weighed 7st 10lbs this morning! Just another 7lbs or so to go. It is a difficult weight to be at though because it could go either way from here...I could easily go slide back up to 8st. But if I am well behaved and stop bingeing and exercise more I'll push on and take it down to single figures! I will be thrilled when I see 7st 8lbs on the scales!

I am going to be so good this weekend I swear.

It's Friday yay! I have done well this week kind of. I went circuit training on Monday and it was a brilliant work out. Since then I haven't been to the gym because I have spent my evenings after work canvassing polling cards for the Council because the deadline is Sunday and I am going away on Saturday morning. It's an easy way to earn a couple hundred quid and get exercise through walking miles!

I am REALLY looking forward to tommorrow because a group of us are staying over in a hotel and going for a thai meal to celebrate my boyf and his mates birthdays. It should be good fun with lots of boozy treats! I am gonna have just a starter at the thai meal. I have got a new outfit for it - a pair of white skinny jeans (size 8 i hasten to add!) and a backless dusky pink halterneck top. Not sure what shoes to wear with it though..

The plan for the rest of the day foodwise is: STOP SCOFFING CHOCOLATE ECLAIR TOFFEES! I've had 200cals worth of em so far today. Some one brought them in to work for our team to share. damn! For breakfast I had porridge (about 100cals), for lunch I have 1/2 a tomato soup (about 50cals) and home made minestrone soup for dinner. I also plan to do an hour of mainly resistance at the gym then an hour finishing my poll card post round.

I made an amazing discovery this week...POPCORN TEA! On the brew station at work there was a box of 'whittards genmaicha green tea' which is green tea with toasted brown rice. mmmmm the delicious sweet starchy popcorn tasting tea is lovely! I have had 4 cups so far today and plan to sup it back all day long.

No more coffee for me seen as I am on these chocolate banana diet pills that are full of caffiene and make me feel like Im on speed. I honestly feel like superwoman on them. I am whizzing through my to do list like a..fast thing! And I feel as if I could go without food all day long, but I don't because I am conscious of my metabolism and the fact I do need fuelling! The toffees were a biiiiig mistake I know. I was not even hungry, just bored because I am alone in the office today. Better crack on with some actual work anyway!