The past week has been horrible. Every day without fail I have had as many as seven episodes of bingeing and puking and it's driving me mad.
I got about 3 easter eggs over the bank holiday weekend and ate them all in one sitting. Then ate more and more and more. Cereal, cakes, ice cream, crisps, bread, anything we've got in..Just for the sake of it. Because my bingeing logic has been 'if I am going to throw up I might as well stuff myself to the brim anyway'. I eat to the point where my stomache is physically bulging out and feels like it's about to pop. And I feel awful cos whilst stuffing bowl fulls of cereal and milk down my neck I am thinking 'urgh can't eat anymore' yet the binge goes on until the kitchen is empty.
Then I make myself puke and it is becoming painful. I make myself do it until i cannot bear it anymore and feel like I've gotten rid of all the food inside me. But I always feel like I probably havent got rid of it all and there is still a ounds worth of chocolate sat in the pit of my belly. If i still feel bloated i take 3 laxatives for peace of mind - pointless i know cos they take 12 hours to work.
During the week the problem is not so bad because when at work I can restrict what I eat and feel good about it. But on sunday i literally spent the whole day bingeing and purgeing. I hate myself for it. I have been so good for 3 months and now I keep slipping in to greedy beast mode. My weight is not budgeing and my stomache must be expanding surely.
I am even sort of planning on what I can binge on tonight. I really don't want to but part of me says 'do it!'.
Im not getting help for it though cos I am not thin enough to warrant that. Just hope it stops and I can be a good dieter again.
